Today is our 19th Wedding Anniversary. And life and marriage are far from perfect. This morning my husband’s alarm woke me up super early after I had a night of insomnia, and while my husband hit snooze and fell back asleep, I was wide awake and irritated. I’ve let it irritate me all day, as a matter of fact. My youngest daughter is also battling a sore throat and her whining is relentless today. I’m about to start my period and my grouchiness is a 20 out of 10. All I want to do today is be alone and feel sorry for myself.
Money is tight, bills are due, debt is piling up, and there are mouths to feed. My husband’s work is slow, the cost of living keeps rising, and I’m racking my brain over how I can help. Life is just not easy or pleasant at the moment. Things could be far far worse. I’m aware. I’m grateful for what I do have. But, damnit, I just want to complain sometimes. The depression and anxiety are almost over my head today. Sometimes, there is no particular reason why. And on other days, like today, it’s in addition to what is already going on. The medicine, therapy, sleep, exercise, foods, and supplements help, but some days still threaten to take me down.
Why is life so damn hard? Being responsible for other humans when you struggle to take care of yourself at times feels like an impossible task. So I’m putting on my oxygen mask first, just to stay alive. I’ll ask for help, muddle through, and take it one moment at a time. Today is not a good day. But tomorrow might be. Or it might not. But having been through this enough times now, I know that nothing lasts and everything is temporary. In the moment though, it feels never-ending.